My Life is A Party

recovering from despair..

help me as i recover from despair.. i desperately switch the flow of every single drop of my blood to another direction.. it's like a kid learning how to ride a bike again as i realize that everything that i have dreamt of is far from coming true..

be patient for i am weak.. weak as a premature infant desperately breathing for air.. it's hard to alter one's habits when you have lived in it.. it has been my life support..

forgive me for i have never expected a sudden turn in my life.. but it doesn't mean that i'm not willing to face what i have now, it just seems inevitable not to look back at the history that i was ready to be in forever..

i remember the boy, but i don't remember the feeling anymore..

Sometimes you just realize that enough is enough.. that it's time to let go and to face your fears.. it's time to make it all just history.. and as i leave a huge phase of my life, i'm surprised to see only the good things that have happened.. smiling is the least expected expression while reminiscing about that part of my past.. never have i imagined this is how i would feel when i get to this part.. he's out of my life.. i honestly don't know how i feel.. torn between being miserable for the reason that the love of my life is no longer with me and being confident about facing my future leaving it all behind thinking i did the right thing.. it's like i'm being manipulated by a remote control as my emotion changes in one snap.. i want to cry "he's gone and i'm lost!" but then again, i want to shout out "he's gone and i'm free!".. sometimes people find me looking at nowhere telling me i think too much but what's ironic is that when i stare at the wind, i don't think about a certain thing, i think about what i'm supposed to think and i find no answer so i never realize that i look like a complete idiot.. sure there would be drastic changes but that's how life goes right? realizations may find you in a blink of an eye, bumping your head with no helmet on then it all comes running towards you like a football passed to you and finding yourself alarmed holding the football running side to side front and back hoping the light bulb to just pop over your head and figure everything out.. well i guess i can say that it's the beginning of an unusual fairytale ending that a young girl used to dream of, waking up seeing the world as it was supposed to be.. realizing that it was all just a dream..

Kick ass day...

There i was patiently waiting.. the next thing I knew, we were fighting.. I cried the whole day! What a day!! Suddenly, all my problems came rushing through me and I've had enough... Everything's just so wrong.. Everything's just so messed up.. I don't know if this will last for long (I hope not!).. But I'm in hell.. still in hell.. Actually, I'm not in hell... I'm DROWNING in hell.. You know the feeling that everything's just so f*cked up then the only thing that keeps you together gets f*cked up as well??? That is what I'm f*cking going through right now.. When will this end? When will everything fall into place? I guess when I fall out of love...

Everything you own in the box to the left

You can't fool me anymore with your sweet words.. I'm a different "grace" now.. You can't have me until you pull yourself together and figure out YOUR OWN LIFE! I'm just so sick and tired of being just an "option" when I only get hurt.. Besides, of all the people you're the one who must know I'm not just a fall-back you can mess around with.. I've given you a lot of chances to change and figure out what you want with your life.. It's not that I don't love you anymore.. I'm only helping you to decide for yourself and figure out what you want for yourself.. It's about time boy! You're not getting any younger!

Shit happens...

I've heard everything I wanted to hear from him... Then again, I still couldn't believe it... I couldn't help it... It's just that I'm so scared of getting hurt for the same reason again... Should I believe him? Only time can tell... It really takes time for me to forget the pain he's caused me... Am I willing to give him a chance? Hell yes... But then, it takes a while for me to trust him with his words again... Whew! He sure knows how to work his way to my heart... But the pain he caused made me stronger and wiser... He really has to prove himself to me again... But everytime I look into his eyes I still see the same man I've loved and will always love... God! This is just going to be so hard for me... One piece of advice for him: Do what you say, then we'll see what happens next...

Fool no more

I'm done being a fool for him.. It's been so long since I gave my heart to him and I'm glad that I'm slowly taking it back.. There's no hint of bitterness in me because I've finally realized that I should've left something for myself.. Now I can finally move on.. I chose to be with him, I gave him a chance.. But I'm just human.. It's about time to finally realize that I can't wait for him forever.. I'm not going to be a hypocrite, I still love him.. But I love myself as well.. If it's meant to be, he'll come back to me.. But for now, I'd just live my life without him.. Slowly picking myself up.. It'll be hard, but I can do it.. I know I can.. It's about time I move on and stop being a martyr for him.. It's about time to finally realize that he's not my world.. He was just a part of it.. It's about time to finally set myself free and be fair to myself.. He's not going to make my life miserable again.. I'll give my heart to him again when he realizes my worth.. And when that time comes, I'll make sure that he'll fight for me like what I could've done for him..

On My Own

I chose to be with him. I chose to take a risk with him. But why do I feel so alone? Why do I feel that I am the only one who's willing to work things out? I feel so pathetic by feeling so alone when he left me when after he came back, it still made no difference. I still feel so hollow inside that I don't know if there's any chance that I could finally know how it feels like to be loved by him. Stupidity takes over me everytime I hope, pray, and wait for the time that he can finally fight for me. But the real question is: Does he want to be with me?

Save me from here...

I hate being trapped inside a box called my room. When I'm here and alone, I couldn't help but think about the life I have right now. It's all so confusing. So as much as possible, I try my best to be as busy as I can be. The problem is they don't understand how I feel and how I need to be preoccupied. I am just so sick and tired of thinking about what happened, what is happening and what could happen. It's like if I would think about it for another hour I would just break down and cry. You know what I really want? I want to be so busy that I don't even have time to relax and think. All I want to do right now is to be busy, busy, busy! But all I can do is think, think, think!

"Happy" New Year???

Well, I hope so! Here I go again... Should I keep on doing this? There's this song of Apo Hiking Society "Di na natuto"... I love the line "Isang ngiti mo lang, at ako'y napapaamo... Yakapin mong minsan at muling magbabalik sa'yo na walang kalaban-laban... Ang puso ko'y tanging iyo lamang..." How many times have I said that I don't deserve this... And how many times have we said that it's unfair and too complicated... But then again, I find myself coming back to him again... I know it's wrong and it's too risky, but I'd rather take risks with him than be safe without him... I don't know how many times we have to go through this again but I could wait for him forever... I know we don't spend much time together, but every little second of my life with him is worth it... It's just sad that I can't even spend more time with the only man I love... I just hope he feels the same way too...

"Kung 'di ka na babalik, araw araw na akong gigimik"

Sad but true.. Just to forget about my stupidity and foolishness.. It's funny how I desperately look for parties to go to so I can have some fun.. But when I'm there with all the crowd and with all the music, I find myself thinking, wishing that he was there with me.. It's crazy that with a place full of people, I still find myself alone.. But maybe I'd just have to get used to it.. I'd just have to get used to being alone..